Do you know what your love language is?

Gary Chapman wrote a book called The 5 Love Languages, and his book improved countless relationships. He explains that there are five ways people communicate love, and one of these “languages” will communicate love more effectively than the others.

It is common for you to try to communicate love the way you understand it and prefer to receive it, but your partner may have a different idea of love. You can learn which expressions are most important to your partner, and those are the ones you should focus on.

Here are the Five Love Languages:

Words of Affirmation

Words have the power to build up or undermine your partner. They can be words of appreciation, encouragement, affirmation, and kindness. Saying “I love you,” giving compliments, and having deep discussions are all examples of words of affirmation. If your partner lights up from your powerful words, it may be the most important love language for you to give.

Gifts

These are visual symbols of love. It’s the easiest love language to learn, and giving presents is a way of investing in your relationship. It can be inexpensive but have a high value. Making a gift can be very meaningful to your partner. Don’t wait for special occasions to give them, and discover what your partner likes. Bringing home weekly flowers could be what your partner loves most.

Physical Touch

Touch is a powerful communicator of love, and it speaks louder than words for some. It can take many forms – holding hands, an arm around a shoulder or waist, a kiss, a hug, a brush of the body as you pass, a massage, foreplay, and sex. Physical affection is not always connected to sex, so if this is your partner’s love language, you should learn ways to give non-sexual touch.

Quality Time

Couples can spend much time together without feeling connected, so proper quality time involves focused attention. Togetherness is not only about physical proximity. In fact, you can have quality time with your partner on the phone or Skype if you live in different cities. If quality time is your #1 love language, communication and companionship are necessary for the relationship.

Acts of Service

This involves serving someone by meeting their needs in practical ways. If your partner feels that “actions speak louder than words,” you’d be improving the relationship if you start to do acts of service around the house. It could be as simple as taking out the trash or washing the dishes. It may be requested, but should not be demanded or taken for granted.

These are the five love languages. I encourage you to read his book if you want more information.

If you’re not sure which love language resonates with you, you can take this quiz to guide you in the right direction. Once you figure out which way you prefer to receive love, make sure you tell your partner!

Do you have a clear idea of what traits you want in a partner?

Think about all the people you’ve been attracted to throughout your life. Do they have any similarities? Are you dating the same type of person over and over again, or is each person unique?

If you have ever made a list of traits you want in a partner, some of the traits are most likely superficial. Do you absolutely NEED a tall blonde? Or would a short brunette with a compatible personality be a better match for you? Even if you do make a detailed list of qualities that are not superficial, how likely is it that you’ll find someone who matches every one?

Years ago I made a list of 35 traits I wanted in a partner (very few were superficial), and I surprisingly found a guy who was a perfect match! Unfortunately, after dating for a few months, I realized that he was not the perfect match for me. I discovered that making an elaborate list of traits is fun, but you need a powerful connection in order for the relationship to succeed. If you are not the best version of yourself around this person, it’s not the right partner for you.

Being clear about what you want in a relationship is important.

Making a list of your relationship requirements is necessary so you don’t waste your time with the wrong person. However, a long list of superficial qualities will most likely lead you to the wrong person again and again. This article lists 7 Characteristics of an Ideal Partner. You’ll notice that none of them are superficial.

Perhaps you should take a chance on someone who makes you laugh, even if the person is not the ideal height for you. I once dated a guy who always saw me with contact lenses in. One day I wore my glasses, and he ended it. His ideal woman didn’t wear glasses, so that was it for him. It proved how superficial a person can be, so I’m glad I had that experience.

Looks fade, and you never know what could happen. You may search forever for a partner with supermodel looks. You actually find that person, but then he/she gets into a car accident and doesn’t have as beautiful a face anymore. Would you end the relationship?

There are plenty of shallow people out there, but if you are searching for a substantial relationship, I hope you’re not one of them.

Making the right kind of list will give you clarity and direction when searching for your life partner.

Cross off any superficial traits and come up with a solid list of five or six qualities you require in a relationship. Keep the list with you and refer to it when you meet a potential partner. With a little luck, you’ll hopefully find your perfect match in no time!

Should you settle in a relationship?

This has been a question I’ve asked myself on many occasions. There’s obviously no such thing as perfection when it comes to a life partner, but is settling the best option? I’ve read lots of conflicting books and articles on this very topic, and I still don’t know what the right answer is. I think it depends on your specific life goals.

The internet has plenty of articles that are in favor of settling in a relationship.

An article came out in 2008 entitled “Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough.” Immediately after reading it, I decided to visit my ex-boyfriend and make a relationship work with him. I was so confident that we’d be married within months, but the chemistry just wasn’t there anymore. The author of that article, Lori Gottlieb, wrote a book about the same topic. I fully agreed with her point of view, but I still wasn’t convinced that I should settle.

This article also discusses the benefits of settling. And the author of this Refinery 29 article says settling was the best decision she ever made!

There are hundreds of articles all over the internet that tell you NOT to settle in a relationship.

Why should you settle when your soulmate could be around the corner? You may be giving up the opportunity to meet someone who is a better match for you. This Sexy Confidence article tells you why settling is a bad idea. Psychology Today agrees with some of Gottlieb’s points, but the bottom line of this article is that you shouldn’t settle.

To settle or not to settle? That is the question.

If your #1 goal in life is to raise kids in a safe, quiet neighborhood, you may be willing to forgive some partner flaws. So what if he’s not 5’10” with blue eyes? Who cares if she doesn’t have blonde hair and an hourglass figure? As long as you found a partner that you get along with, you’re on the right track. Having similar life dreams and values is an added bonus!

I wholeheartedly believe that you should NOT settle on your values.

If you value honesty and are dating a pathological liar, that is a recipe for disaster. Settling on physical traits or minor issues is fine, but don’t settle on big life issues. If you can’t agree now on whether you should have kids, don’t get married and assume it’ll work itself out later on. It won’t! You should be comfortable and confident in your decision to be with this person or not.

To sum up, there are strong arguments on both sides of this debate. You shouldn’t feel guilty for settling for a guy who’s just average while your best friend is holding out for her soulmate. She may never meet her soulmate and be alone forever. On the other hand, if you believe that you will find your perfect partner, then don’t waste your time by settling for a guy who’s “good enough.”

There’s no right answer to this question. Settle, or don’t settle. Just be proud of your decision, no matter what you choose.

Should you try online dating? It has taken over the dating world. There are so many websites and apps to communicate with prospects and get dates.

You’d think that with all the people using these methods, the success rate is high. I’ve known plenty of people that met their partners through an online venue, but…

The majority of people date “incorrectly” when using dating sites and apps.

I put “incorrectly” in quotes because some would argue that there’s no correct or incorrect way to date online. If someone wants to use an app to get one night stands, that’s his/her prerogative. However, people that are looking for a committed relationship are also using dating apps, and these are the ones I’m referring to when I discuss incorrect dating methods.

If you look around when you’re out in public, I guarantee you that the majority of people are staring at their phones. Some might be talking on the phone, but…

Even talking has taken a backseat to swiping and texting.

Some sites require, or at least recommend, a detailed profile, and those are the ones that are more beneficial to their users. Unfortunately, with today’s swiping mentality, people easily dismiss potential partners based on a picture. What if you accidentally swiped left on your soulmate?

Does one profile picture decide your fate?

Lots of people continuously swipe left, knowing there are millions of other options out there. Or they swipe right on everyone, and meet as many people as possible. However, they don’t give anyone a real chance, because they know they can swipe right on hundreds of others that same night.

Online dating can be great if you approach it correctly.

If you give everyone a chance, tell them what you’re looking for, and have a phone conversation before meeting them in person, it will save you a lot of time and heartache.

The phone conversation is equal to meeting them at a party and having a quick chat before exchanging numbers. You might realize you don’t click while talking, and you feel that a date in person is unnecessary. That just saved you a few hours of pain!

In this phone call, you should also clarify what your reason is for dating. If you’re looking for a commitment, while the other person just wants to play the field, you get to decide if meeting in person makes sense.

There’s always the chance that you have a wonderful phone conversation, but then you don’t feel any attraction or chemistry in person. That’s why you shouldn’t have lots of lengthy phone calls and delay meeting in person.

You should try online dating if you’re single during a pandemic.

Check out my article on Dating During the Coronavirus to learn if it’s the right method for you. If you can’t meet in person for a while, then virtual dates are the way to go. You can avoid all the awkwardness of a first kiss and instead get to know each other on a deeper level. Unfortunately, you run the risk of feeling a strong emotional connection without having chemistry.

Online dating can take many directions.

You can meet immediately and feel nothing.

You can text and talk for weeks, and then meet and feel nothing.

You can meet immediately and jump into bed because you have chemistry. Then once you get to know each other, you realize there’s no long-term potential.

You can text and talk for weeks. Because you feel a tiny bit of attraction, you force a relationship since you’ve already dedicated so much time and energy into this person.

In my opinion, the best method for online dating is to have a few texting exchanges within a few days. Then have one or two phone conversations (no more than an hour long) or virtual chats (on FaceTime, Zoom, or Skype), and meet in person as soon as possible. You may feel a connection, and you may not. That’s life.

Online dating is worth trying.

What have you got to lose? This article describes the Best Dating Sites of 2020. There are plenty of different options. You can join multiple sites and apps or just stick with one. It will give you something to look forward to. And you never know… you might find exactly what you’re looking for!

How much does age really matter in a relationship?

The first thing that pops into my head when I hear this question is “Age is just a number,” but I don’t completely agree with that statement. Of course, you’re only as old as you feel, but when it comes to relationships, it’s a little more complicated than that.

This question actually has a two-part answer. I’ll first discuss an appropriate age to be when committing to a partner, and then I’ll talk about the age difference between people in a relationship.

What age is appropriate for starting a relationship?

I strongly believe that you need to know yourself and love yourself completely before you commit to a relationship with someone else. You can take this Relationship Quiz to find out if you’re ready.

There’s no absolute age when this happens, but for most people, it’s somewhere between ages 25-30. If you follow a typical life path, you will have finished college and had a few years of real-world experience.

This Zoosk article says that your brain continues to develop until you’re 25 years old. Once you reach this age, you should know yourself pretty well.

Maybe you don’t know what career interests you, but you probably have a pretty good grasp of what you like and dislike about yourself and others.

If you met your soulmate before this age, I’m not saying to let this person go. I just think it would be wise to get to know yourself before jumping into marriage. You may have changed aspects of your personality, without even realizing it, to be a better fit for your partner.

Take time to be the best version of yourself. And if you’re still single at age 45, don’t think you lost your window of opportunity. It just means you took more time to grow as an individual. There’s somebody out there for you!

What if there’s a big age gap between you and your partner?

Many people have different opinions on what their perfect age is for a partner.

If you’re 25 and looking for a financially stable partner who owns a home, you may be searching for someone in their 30s or 40s.

If you’re a 50-year-old man who really wants a biological child, you’re probably searching for a woman in her 20s or 30s.

It’s not impossible to get what you want, but remember that the other person may be concerned with the age gap.

You’re more likely to have things in common if you’re closer in age.

If you’re more than 8 years apart, you start to notice differences.

Perhaps you grew up listening to a different style of music and following certain fashion trends that your partner doesn’t understand.

Maybe you watched popular TV shows and movies that your partner never even heard of.

These aren’t deal breakers for most people, but it could create some tension in the relationship. The younger partner may make “old person” jokes, and the older partner may resent the younger one for being so naive and immature.

The older you get, the less age matters, but if you have certain goals that you want to meet, age could be a factor. I don’t trust people that refuse to say their age. They’re obviously embarrassed by it, but what else are they hiding?

You should be proud and confident of your age. It’s a part of your identity, and you’ll find someone who appreciates you AND your age!