Relationship requirements are qualities that absolutely must be present in order for your relationship to work. They are non-negotiable, so if any quality is missing, you would have to eventually end the relationship.

A relationship requirement is the opposite of a deal breaker.

Telling your date what you DO want, not what you don’t, is a better way of sharing your needs. It’s important for you to be very clear of your relationship requirements so you don’t waste time with the wrong person. No matter how much you love each other, a relationship will fall apart if you don’t agree on a requirement.

Here are some common relationship requirements:

Wanting Kids

A typical relationship requirement is whether you want kids or not. Be sure to have this discussion early on in dating. Yes, it’s possible for people to change their minds, but you shouldn’t assume that your partner will want them just because you do. Having a heart-to-heart about your deepest wishes and feelings related to children is helpful for the growth of your relationship. You can learn a lot about each other and assess how strongly you both feel on this matter.

Fidelity

Another big one is fidelity. How important is it for you? And what constitutes cheating? You may decide that any form of infidelity will not be tolerated, or perhaps you’ll allow some drunken kissing now and then. There’s also emotional cheating, which some people think is completely innocent and others feel is grounds for divorce. You could decide to have an open marriage with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy or an open marriage where you tell each other everything. Before discussing this with your partner, make sure you decide what you’re comfortable with yourself first.

Sex and Intimacy

Along with fidelity, sex is often a relationship requirement. Do you talk openly about sexual issues? Do you have similar sexual desire? Sex, or lack of it, is a big part of a relationship. What you do behind closed doors is up to both of you, so make sure you’re in agreement with how sex plays a part in your lives.

Financial Responsibility

Money is another quality that can make or break a relationship. It’s the most common reason for divorce, so discussing your financial situation upfront can help you be more open about other topics. How do you handle financial matters? Do you like to invest, save for a vacation, or spend everything right away? If you have lots of debt, how will you pay it off? If you decide that you want to be together long-term, planning for your financial future can decrease conflicts about money later on.

Some other common relationship requirements:

You may relate to all or none of the above. This is a sample list of requirements to get you started. You can also check out this Psychology Today article that talks about what your relationship needs to thrive.

After making your personal list, go through each requirement one by one. If you can come up with an exception, a way to stay and make the relationship work without having the requirement met, then it is not a requirement. It is most likely very important to you, but it’s not a non-negotiable quality.

Try to bring your list of relationship requirements down to six or seven items.

Now, when you’re dating someone new, you can discover if this person is a good match for you by seeing if he/she meets your requirements. Or, if you’ve been dating someone for a while and haven’t discussed your relationship requirements, now is the perfect time to confide in each other!