What is your attachment style in a relationship?

Do you latch onto someone and never let go? Or do you shy away from any type of intimacy and run for the hills?

In the 1960s, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth did an experiment on children known as the “strange situation.” Depending on how the children reacted during this test, they were placed into one of four categories of attachment. This study was later turned into attachment styles in romantic relationships. Learn your attachment style and how it shows up in your relationship.

The Four Attachment Styles:

Secure

Low anxiety and low avoidance

• Comfortable with intimacy and being in a committed relationship
• Able to trust your partner and reveal your emotions
• Communication comes naturally for you

Anxious

High anxiety and low avoidance

• Needs continuous reassurance from partner
• Craves closeness and intimacy immediately
• Extremely dependent

Avoidant

Low anxiety and high avoidance

• Uncomfortable with emotional intimacy
• Tendency to pull away from others
• Extremely independent

Fearful

High anxiety and high avoidance

• Afraid of intimacy and being rejected
• Low self-esteem
• Tendency to pull away while also craving attention

Let’s take a look at the male characters from the TV show Friends. Chandler’s attachment style is Fearful. He’s anxious to find someone, but then he runs away as soon as the intimacy begins to grow. Luckily, Monica comes into his life and teaches him about emotional vulnerability. She has her own anxiety to work through, but they end up balancing each other out and being a perfect match.

Joey is the epitome of Avoidant. He has no anxiety about relationships, but he avoids them like the plague. He loves his independence and hooking up with different women regularly. Luckily for him, his best friend Chandler is also uncomfortable opening up, so their relationship thrives mainly on a surface level.

Ross is desperate for intimacy. He has lots of anxiety, just like his sister, but he doesn’t avoid that closeness when he finds a willing partner. His attachment style is Anxious. Because his friends are both uncomfortable opening up, he searches for a woman to share the emotional intimacy that he craves.

As you can see, Secure is the ideal attachment style. Unfortunately, your attachment style develops at a young age. It all depends on your upbringing. If you’re not happy with how your style manifests in a relationship, you can work on yourself and do personal development to change and grow. I can coach you through your dating dilemmas if you’re not satisfied!