How do you deal with different sex drives in your relationship?

When you first start dating someone new, everything is great. You want to spend every second together laughing, talking, eating, and having mind-blowing sex. You probably don’t notice any differences in sexual desire because you’re both so excited that you found an amazing partner to be with 24/7.

As time goes by, your relationship begins to have a routine. Work gets busy. You spend more time with friends and family. You pick up some hobbies that are independent of each other.

This leads to less time you have for each other, and less time means cramming sex into the schedule whenever you do see each other.

If you’re in a relationship, you should be having sex regularly, right?

Twice a day turns into once every few days, and that turns into once a week.

Let’s assume you end up marrying this person because the relationship is great and you have similar goals and values. After the wedding, you’re expecting to have as much sex as you did when you first got together. You have a high sex drive and married the person of your dreams, so obviously your partner wants sex all the time!

Unfortunately, there are numerous reasons this isn’t the case.

You may have different levels of testosterone. Men normally have higher levels of testosterone than women, but women are very sensitive to the hormone if their levels are high.

Besides the amount of testosterone your body produces, there are illnesses and medications that can lower your levels, therefore affecting your sex drive.

You could be born with a high sex drive, and it’s just the way you are. It’s a part of your genetic makeup, so you may crave sex more than others.

If you both know you have similarly high sex drives but your partner suddenly seems less interested in intimacy, there are probably other factors coming into play that you need to explore (like conflict, unresolved anger, infidelity, or emotional concerns).

If you discover that you have different sex drives that aren’t related to medical reasons, what can you do?

Here are three options if you have different sex drives in your relationship:

1. Do nothing.

You already made a vow to stay with this person, and you’re obligated to be with him/her forever. You chose this partner, so you’re stuck dealing with an unsatisfying sex life.

Your partner has so many wonderful qualities that you appreciate. Is great sex really necessary to have a fulfilling life? You’ll make the most of every sexual experience you have. There’s no point in rocking the boat, so why risk ruining the good relationship you’re in?

2. Leave the relationship.

You’ve had enough. You need hot, passionate sex all the time. You’re not getting it from your partner, so the only logical solution is to end the relationship.

You’ve considered having an affair (or perhaps already did), but you don’t want to continue having sex with strangers to fill the sexual void you’re feeling. You don’t want to live the rest of your life in a dry spell, so you decide to get out while you still have your sanity.

3. Come up with a compromise.

This is no easy task, but if you’re both willing to put in the work, you could learn to live with your differences in desire.

If you’re the one with the higher sex drive, you probably feel sexually frustrated. If you have the lower sex drive, you feel pressure from your partner to constantly be intimate.

It takes a lot of open, honest communication to get to the bottom of this issue. Did one of you have a traumatic sexual experience in the past? This can lower your desire, so you may need therapy to unblock your feelings.

If you have little time for sex, MAKE TIME! Sex is an important bonding experience. If you have to, schedule sex dates into your calendar once a week.

Explore your wild side.

Play out your sexual fantasies.

Massage each other.

Find out what really turns on your partner, and do that. Make a list of sexual acts you want to do with your partner, and show each other your lists. You can surprise each other with those sexual acts when the mood strikes. This Bustle article lists 13 ways couples deal with mismatched sex drives.

Keep the discussion going for as long as it takes. If you want to stay together and make each other happy, you’ll figure out a compromise that you’re both satisfied with.